Dads, the New Balance-wearing heroes, the Bermuda shorts-clad supporters, and the slightly protruding pouch-donning meat smokers. Dads are almost like some mythical beings seeing no shortcomings of wearing THE sock and sandal combo, while everyone else shies away from this fashion fiasco as if it would cost their lives. They will pinch your arm if you have a boo-boo on your knee and tell you, ‘Well, THAT doesn’t hurt anymore, does it?’ and they will also remind you your whole life of that one time you stuck a finger in a lawn chair filigree and couldn’t pull it out. However, they will also be there to support you no matter what and will often make even the gravest atmosphere lighter with that universal sense of humor typical only for Fathers. Yup, it’s the dad jokes that turn a man into a father, and it’s the dad jokes that will forever make you groan, cringe, and blow a raspberry. But admit it, you like it, and so do we.
And somehow, only dads can get away with these silly jokes – maybe it’s because they have no fear of embarrassment or maybe because of their mythical Dad Powers that can turn even the lamest joke into an uproarious event. This we have no answer to, and the only thing we can do upon hearing such a joke is to try not to roll our eyes so hard they fall out of their sockets. But let’s get to the point here – while you might think that the dad joke is the most exploited category of jokes ever, let us remind you that the generations of fathers are changing, thus spawning newer, fresher, and even more cringy jokes constantly. That’s why we’ve gathered a list of the best dad jokes that came to the Internets just recently and are offering it to you!
Now, you know what to do – do some warm-up exercises for your facial muscles in preparation to frown, chortle, and snort and scroll down below to check the au courant dose of dad jokes. Then, vote for the silly jokes that made you spill your coffee in exasperation and share these dad-isms with your friends!
I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.
I just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend. It maybe wasn’t the best idea, because it meant I couldn’t see the TV.
I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
They just seem a little shady!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. You know why?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere!
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there!
What’s brown and sticky?
Can February march?
No, but April may!
What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool?
Rock pay-for scissors.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!
I’ll call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad!
My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.
How does a man on the moon cut his hair?
Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover?
Cause you shouldn’t press your luck.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, “How long have you suffered from that condition?”
The guy tells him, “Since next Monday.”
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
What do you call a mac ‘n’ cheese that gets all up in your face?
Too close for comfort food!
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use a honeycomb.
Why couldn’t the astronaut land on the moon?
Because it was full.
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with!
If towels could tell jokes, I think they’d have a very dry sense of humor.
I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
What rock group has four men that don’t sing?
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
They say he made a mint!
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well!
I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they are good buoys.
What do you call a fish with two knees?
A two-knee fish!
What’s ET short for?
Because he’s only got tiny legs!
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put some boogie in it!
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Student: “Can I go to the bathroom?”
Teacher: “It’s ‘may.'”
Student: “No, it’s January.”
Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine?
He wanted his quarter back.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Why couldn’t the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn’t habanero.
Why did the stadium get so hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
My dog used to chase people on a scooter a lot. It got so bad we had to take his scooter away.
Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids…I’m a faux pa!
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip?
I was heels over head!
I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It’s a little fishy!
Five out of four people admit they’re bad with fractions!
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta way!
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks!
I invented a new word today: plagiarism!
What do you call a donkey with only three legs?
In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.
Some people can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology. They bug me in ways I can’t put into words.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn’t complete the sentence, is that a fragment?
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns!
What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door?
“Close the door, I’m dressing!”
What do you call a fake noodle?
Why did the math book look so sad?
Because of all of its problems!
If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help!
What does the cell say to his sister when she steps on his toe?
“Oh my toe sis!”
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I didn’t want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast!
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired!
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them!
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I’m not going to spread it!
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it!
I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, “Mark, my words!”
I’m starting a new dating service in Prague. It’s called Czech-Mate.
Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together!
What’s a ninja’s favorite type of shoes?
Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn’t stop telling jokes?
It was on a roll.
I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying!
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?
“And I told him, “No it doesn’t!”
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!
So a vowel saves another vowel’s life. The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!
After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, “First offender?”
She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
What rhymes with boo and stinks?
St. Francis worked at Krispy Kreme. He was a deep friar.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That’s my stepladder,” he said. “I never knew my real ladder.”
I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She’s a real mathamachicken!
I’ve been bored recently so I’ve decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.
I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate.
I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.
What do scholars eat when they’re hungry?
What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community?
A socially dissed ant.
I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
How does Moses make his coffee?
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
“Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library—it’s got the most stories.
I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
What do Santa’s elves listen to ask they work?
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, “No, I’d rather drink it out of the carton!”
I accidentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion.
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I’m reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
I don’t really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I’m just not a mourning person!
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow?
It is either one or the utter.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it!
What do you call a shoe made of a banana?
I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!
I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that’s just nuts!
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks?
A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!