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169 Baby Jokes That’ll Make You Chuckle

Babies, the blabbering bundles of bliss! What our lives would be without their fat cannoli legs, bald oddly-shaped heads, hilariously tiny chubby fingers, the softest butts imaginable, and a stream of subconscious gibberish pouring from their toothless mouths? Probably sleeping soundly through the night, not scrubbing off puke from our favorite T-shirts, and not stepping into puddles of unknown origin with our warmest plushie socks. This duality of human babies and the inherently different likes and dislikes shared with their adult life-givers (starting with the love and hate for naps and ending with favorite foods) are the greatest conflicts known for any scriptwriter, movie director, and jokester. Thus, there’s no surprise that jokes dedicated to babies are aplenty and are simply the greatest. At least to the parents, because babies haven’t declared their positions on the matter as of yet, and we cannot speak in their place. 

So, baby jokes – some are dedicated to their creepy laughs, others to their sense of fashion, and of course, there are the ones talking about their eating habits. However, you must believe that all these baby puns and jokes definitely came straight out of somebody’s experience of raising their spawn, so besides being funny, they are also good material on what to expect when you have your own tiny human. Unimaginably, it is not all fun and games! Who could’ve thought?!

Anyway, prepare to laugh rambunctiously at the hilarious jokes you’re about to find just a couple of inches below. Just be sure to contain it if you have a soundly sleeping baby next to you, or he’ll be the one that’s bellowing but for slightly different reasons than you. After you’re done skimming through these funny baby jokes, vote for the ones that hit closest to home and share this article with your friends! 

#1

Why did the baby cry at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m.? Why not?

#2

What did the buffalo say to his baby boy when paternity leave was over? Bison!

#3

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby. For instance: my name, my address, telephone number.

#4

Do you know why babies born on holidays are more than likely to be little girls?Because there is no mail delivery on holidays.

#5

Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?” His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.” Johnny exclaimed, “Wow… I can see why they threw him out!”

#6

Did you know you can get a wooden car seat? It comes with a sign that says, “Baby on Board.”

#7

A couple is having a baby soon. After learning they’re having a boy, the husband says, “Let’s name him Pete!” But the wife says, “Honey, we’re having twins.” The husband replies, “Well, we can call the second one RePete.”

#8

Why did the baby crawl across the street? He saw the one object you told him he couldn’t play with.

#9

What’s another name for a baby adoption center? The stork market.

#10

What do babies usually play in a band? They play guitars hooked up to ‘Waah! Waah! Pedals’.

#11

Which Beastie Boy is the favorite of all the babies? A+D rock.

#12

What do you call a group of baby soldiers? An infantry.

#13

A baby’s laugh is one of the most beautiful things you will ever hear. Unless it is 3 a.m., you’re home alone, and you don’t have a baby.

#14

Random person to a parent holding two babies: “Hey! Are those twins?” Parent: “Triplets, actually. I just leave the ugly one at home.”

#15

How did the baby tell her mom she had a wet diaper? She sent her a pee-mail.

#16

The nurse told the parents of a newborn, “You have a cute baby.” The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all the new parents.” “No,” she replied. “Just to those whose babies really are good-looking.” The husband asked, “So, what do you say to the others?” The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”

#17

What do you call a baby potato? A small fry.

#18

Jake: “My mom is having a new baby.” Joy: “What’s wrong with the old one?”

#19

What do you call a newborn baby? Anything you want.

#20

What do you call a cow that had a baby? De-calf-inated.

#21

What did the fire say to her husband after their son’s birth? “Honey… this is Arson.”

#22

I sat next to a baby on a 10-hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for 10 hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

#23

When do parents change the most baby diapers? In the wee wee hours.

#24

I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? With any luck, right after she finishes college.

#25

What did Frosty the Snowman and his partner put over their baby’s crib? A snowmobile!

#26

“I don’t always drink milk. But when I do, I prefer Dos Tetas.” — The Most Interesting Baby in the World.

#27

Baby Yoda’s first word probably came after his second word.

#28

What do baby pythons play with? Rattlesnakes.

#29

What did Mother Goose name her newborn son? Ryan Gosling.

#30

How do you get a paper baby? Marry an old bag.

#31

When a baby is learning to eat, shouldn’t he have an L-plate?

#32

How do storks deliver babies? They deliver them stork naked.

#33

What do you do when your baby is being fussy? I’ll pacify it.

#34

What would you call a baby who’s a stand-up comedian? A kidder.

#35

Which rapper can’t babies get enough of? Childish Gambino.

#36

What social media app helps babies fall asleep by playing monotonous and long-winded conversations? Napchat.

#37

I slept like a baby last night. I woke every two hours and cried.

#38

A German couple has a baby… For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says “This soup is cold.” The parents are amazed and ask “If you can talk, why have you not spoken before?” The child replies “Up to now everything has been satisfactory!”

#39

A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid. Papa Roach said, “Suffocation, no breathing.”

#40

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet. Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.

#41

How do you stop a baby from spinning on the ground? You nail his other hand to the ground.

#42

Do you know what a baby computer calls his old man? Data.

#43

Why do we dress babies in onesies? Because they can’t dress themselves.

#44

Parent to her friend: “I’m exhausted. I was up with the baby until 4 a.m.” Friend: “It’s probably not good to keep a baby up that late.”

#45

Why can’t a parent change a light bulb? Because they don’t make diapers small enough.

#46

There was a dad who tried to keep his wife happy through labor by telling jokes, but she didn’t laugh once. Know why? It was the delivery.

#47

What did the new parent say upon seeing “16-28 pounds” on the side of the diaper box? “That’s one huge bowel movement.”

#48

Did you hear what the couple who met while working at an instruction book company named their kid? Manuel.

#49

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t!” Can’t!” “Doctor, what’s going on?” asked the concerned father-to-be. “Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”

#50

Why did the man bring his pregnant wife a small lizard? She told him to pick up a baby monitor.

#51

I think the hospital accidentally switched our babies at birth… They’re identical twins, so it’s hard to be sure.

#52

I rushed to the hospital when I heard my cousin could neither walk nor speak… Apparently all newborns are like that.

#53

Did you hear about the baby turkeys that were all upset? They were crying fowl.

#54

Why didn’t the baby want to be born? Because it didn’t want to give up its free womb and board!

#55

What do triplets need more of than single babies? More womb!

#56

What do you call a group of baby garbage bins? A litter.

#57

Mrs. Goat: “Honey, we’re going to have a baby!” Mr. Goat: “You’re kidding.”

#58

What did Baby corn say to Mama corn? “Where is Pop corn?”

#59

Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato, and Baby Tomato are walking down the road. Baby Tomato starts to lag behind. Papa Tomato becomes angry, goes up to Baby Tomato, squeezes him, and says, “Catch up!”

#60

What do you call a boat that just got a baby dinghy? A mother ship.

#61

How should you treat a baby goat? Like a kid.

#62

What did the doctor say when the pregnant woman gave birth to a frozen pizza? “It’s not delivery; it’s DiGiorno!”

#63

Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.

#64

When potatoes have babies, what are they called? Tater tots.

#65

Why is that baby still in diapers? I’ll give you two reasons: number 1 and number 2.

#66

What do you give a pig with a diaper rash? Oinkment.

#67

My baby just ate a bunch of scrabble tiles. The next diaper change could spell disaster.

#68

Mom: “You’re growing up now, so you don’t need a bottle all the time.” Baby: “I could say the same to you, mother.”

#69

Why did the baby monster ask his father to stand in the freezer? Because he wanted a frozen pop!

#70

Why does a mother carry her baby? The baby can’t carry the mother.

#71

My newborn son made such a fuss when the doctor cut his umbilical cord. He had really grown attached to it.

#72

What did the Roman emperor name his chubby newborn? Voluminous.

#73

What’s a group of chubby newborns called? Heavy infantry.

#74

Parenting is mastering the art of a one-minute-poop and a half-a-minute shower! Yes, and even the art of forgetting when you showered last!

#75

Why are babies always gurgling with joy? Because it’s a nappy time.

#76

I read a book on prime numbers to my baby son. And I had his undivided attention.

#77

Did you hear about the bed bug that was pregnant? She’s having the baby in the spring.

#78

What do you tell someone if they ask you if they should have babies after 40? I’d say, “No, 40 babies are more than enough.”

#79

Did you hear about the lady that recently had a sea section? I heard that she had a bouncing baby buoy.

#80

Why was the baby strawberry crying? Because his mom and dad were in a jam.

#81

Did you hear about the guy who played poker with his friends and gambled his newborn son? His friends now realize that they might need to raise him.

#82

What would you do if someone asked you to tell a pun about an unvaccinated baby? “I know I shouldn’t say it, but I’ll still give it a shot.”

#83

What would you call it if you crossed a basketball with a newborn snake? It’d be a bouncing baby boa.

#84

Why did the baby candy put her dad in the freezer? Probably because she wanted an ice pop.

#85

Which Led Zeppelin album do babies adore? It’s Infant Through The Out Door.

#86

What social media site helps babies find other babies to go on playdates with? Tindergarden.

#87

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

#88

What did the baby corn call his dad? Popcorn.

#89

As I moved my hand up her leg I said, “Baby, your legs are the sauce. I’m going to name them Sweet and Sour.” And then I discovered they came with McNuggets.

#90

My wife is having a baby with another man, she says it’s a grudge baby… Someone had it in for me.

#91

What is the benefit of being a test tube baby? Having a womb with a view.

#92

Elton John found a baby rabbit at the gym the other day. It’s a little fit bunny…

#93

I saw a baby owl caught in the rain. It was a moist owlet.

#94

Baby snake: “Mommy, are we poisonous?” Mother snake: “Yes, son. Why?” Baby snake: “I just bit my tongue.”

#95

Parent #1: “Why is there a strange baby in the crib?” Parent #2: “You told me to change the baby.”

#96

What do you call a new baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.

#97

Tell me, does the stork deliver babies with their diapers on? No, they’re stork naked!

#98

What’s a breastfeeding baby’s least favorite holiday? Hall-o-wean.

#99

What do you do when you see a baby spinning in circles? Stop laughing and untie him from the ceiling fan.

#100

How do you make a baby ghost laugh? You play peek-a-BOO.

#101

If a baby refuses to go to sleep… Is she resisting arrest?

#102

Where do baby fish sleep? In a bass-inet.

#103

Did you hear the joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s newborn daughter? It’s a little niche.

#104

I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday.

#105

My friend’s gambling is getting out of hand. He just bet his newborn son in our game of poker. And I thought I might have to raise him.

#106

A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins. I said, “Well, they were separated at birth!”

#107

Why did Batman turn Catwoman into the police after she gave birth? Because littering is a crime.

#108

Who held the baby octopus for ransom? Squidnappers.

#109

A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Ellie.” The nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken. Perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153.”

#110

Do you know how Stonehenge came to be? By Chuck Norris stacking blocks as a baby.

#111

What did the baby dolphin do when he didn’t get his way? He whale-d.

#112

The moment baby falls asleep… The phone rings, the siblings fight, the door slams, and the dogs bark. Never fails!

#113

Why did the infant go on a diet? She wanted to lose her baby fat.

#114

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

#115

How does a baby ghost cry? “Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo!”

#116

What are baby witches called? Halloweenies.

#117

Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl. They named her Paige, and they just couldn’t put her down.

#118

The best part of parenting is the day you realize that you have become everything that you hated about your parents!

#119

Why was the baby drop of ink crying? His mom was in the pen, and he didn’t know how long her sentence was.

#120

Do you like your new baby sister? She’s all right. Do you play with her? No, and we can’t even send her back because she’s been here more than 28 days.

#121

Babies are not at all complicated because they have only three moods: crying, finished crying, and just about to cry.

#122

Can you remember what you called your security blanket back when you were little? Not really, I am drawing a blankie.

#123

What would you say to someone with a new baby? I’d say, “What happened to the old one?”

#124

Between Mr Bigger, Mrs Bigger, and their baby, who’s the biggest? Their baby, because she’s a little bigger.

#125

Why was a baby drop of ink weeping? Because her dad was in a pen, and she didn’t know the duration of his sentence.

#126

What did the mom snake say to her crying baby snake? She told him to quit crying and viper his nose.

#127

What did the Pharaohs make use of to keep babies quiet? They used Egyptian dummies.

#128

Why did the new mom demand a wage from the hospital? Because she wanted them to compensate her for the labor.

#129

What type of poodles do babies love the most? Toy.

#130

Which app helps babies to look at thousands of photos of their grandparents? Insta-gran.

#131

Where do all babies post status updates about their feelings? Babybook.

#132

My mum loses it when I tickle my baby brother’s feet. It’s something about waiting until he is born or whatever.

#133

Every day I go down to the harbour and throw fish to a baby dolphin. My friends say it’s a waste of time. But at least I’m serving a youthful porpoise.

#134

A Chinese baby was born way too early… So, his parents named him Sudden Lee.

#135

What’s the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never drop a bag of cocaine.

#136

A lot of people don’t laugh at my dead baby jokes. And that’s fine. I guess you had to be there.

#137

What did the mama Llama say to the baby llama as they prepared for a picnic?Alpaca lunch.

#138

The stork is the bird that brings the baby, but a Swallow’s the one to prevent it!

#139

I recently had the opportunity to eat baby wookie. The taste was great, but the meat was a little chewy.

#140

How do you get an astronaut’s baby to sleep? You rocket.

#141

When Chuck Norris was a baby he didn’t have teddy bears. Know why? He had real bears.

#142

How can you tell if a snake is a baby? It has a rattle.

#143

How did the baby know she was ready to be born? She was running out of womb.

#144

What do you do with a fussy baby? You pacify it.

#145

How did Batman decorate baby Robin’s crib? With a bat mobile.

#146

Did you hear about the baby born in a high-tech hospital? It came out cordless.

#147

How warm is a baby at birth? Womb temperature.

#148

I told my friends a joke about birth complications, but no one laughed. It must have come out wrong.

#149

Do I have to have a baby shower? Not if you change the baby’s diaper quickly.

#150

Willy: “Mom, are our neighbors poor people?” Mother: “I don’t think so, Willy. Why do you ask?” Willy: “Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin.”

#151

My partner is so negative… I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag… But all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

#152

How many infants does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just points at it and cries until his caregiver does it for him.

#153

What is a baby bee? A little humbug.

#154

I would make a joke about newborns… But the delivery would be too painful.

#155

What did the papa jar say when he first held his newborn baby? “Mason!”

#156

Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky? I guess you can say the baby was airborne.

#157

How can you tell the gender of a baby? If he cries it’s a boy. If she cries, it’s a girl.

#158

Have you heard about the lady that traveled to the ocean when she was having her baby? She probably needed a sea section.

#159

Where do all the fish babies sleep? They sleep in bass-inets.

#160

What would you call a cow who just had a baby? She’d be a new moother.

#161

What would you call a baby owl if it got caught in the rain? It’d become a moist-owlette.

#162

Did you hear about the baby who swallowed a watch? The doctor told the parents to give the baby some Epsom salts, which should help him pass the time.

#163

Which candy bar do all infants prefer? It’s the Baby Ruth.

#164

“Here, you take the baby and give me the eggs… You always drop everything!”

#165

My wife said to put a baby monitor in the crib with our son… but I don’t think lizards make very good pets for babies.

#166

Have you heard about Gucci’s new line of baby clothes? Gucci-goo.

#167

What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable, while the other is just having a baby.

#168

Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers.

#169

How did the baby almost get her and her mom kicked out of the crowded theater? She yelled, “pacifier!”

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