196 Sarcastic Quotes That Are Both Clever And Hilarious

Yeah, naw, surely the quotes that you’ll find below aren’t sarcastic at all. Not the slightest bit. They’re just as light and cheery as daffodil fluff floating in the azure summer sky, no dual meanings, no sly remarks, and no storm clouds here. Nuh-uh, no way. They aren’t even that funny really, who cares for sarcastic quotes, anyway? Only sweet old ladies, probably. However, if you’d still like to give these no-good, dark quotes a try, we’ve gathered an insignificant amount of 196 entries for your judgment. 

In all seriousness, though, sarcastic quotes are the best – they are slightly stingy and inherently clever, they can be used in almost any occasion, and if your opponent is worthy, they’ll even grant a belly-full of laughs. Some of these quotes originated in famous people’s heads, the likes of Oscar Wilde and Aldous Huxley; others are of mysteriously undocumented origins. With those, you can always claim them as your own! That is if you think the receiver will understand them fully; otherwise, all that you will get is a tumbleweed slowly rolling between you two, and the resulting awkward silence will fall on your conscience.

So, cynics, rejoice! This article is dedicated to you, to the dark jokes that we all love so dearly, and to the most useful quotes to memorize! Reach all this book-worthy material in just a couple of scrolls directed downwards, and don’t forget to vote for the clever, sarcastic quotes. Also, share this wisdom with your friends by dropping them a link to this article which basically contains the smartest quotes ever. 


“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams


“An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.” – Robert Oppenheimer


“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” – Fred Allen


“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”


“Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.” – Michael Levine


“An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.”


“My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.” – Rodney Dangerfield


“If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”


“Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”


“I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.”


“Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”


“Find your patience before I lose mine.”


“People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world.”


“If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.”


“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde


“Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.”


“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”


“I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?”


“A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.” – Sir Winston Churchill


“You know what I like about people? Their dogs.”


“Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.”


“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”


“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” – Walter Matthau


“The bigger your family, the bigger your problems.”


“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” – Billy Connolly


“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern… like bad wallpaper.” – Friedrich Nietzsche


“When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.”


“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”


“Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job.”


“Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.” – Walter Kerr


“Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.”


“Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow.”


“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” – John Wayne


“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” – Abba Eban


“Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.” – Albert Einstein


“I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”


“I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.” – Oscar Wilde


“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”


“The time you realize your kids are in bed and have been watching The Disney channel for the past hour by yourself.”


“They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood


“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?” – Jeff Lindsay


“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright


“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”


“Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”


“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde


“I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”


“What we feel and think and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera.” – Aldous Huxley


“Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.” – Robin Williams


“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”


“Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.” – Murphy’s Laws


“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”


“What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.” – Mark Twain


“Repeating quotes from funny movies doesn’t make you funny.”


“I always say ‘Morning’ Instead of ‘good morning’ Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.”


“Caller ID was invented for family screening.”


“My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.”


“Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.” – Evan Esar


“New Year’s Resolution: casual promises that I am under no legal obligation to fulfill.”


“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.” – Douglas Adams


“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” – Stephen Colbert


“When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive… It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.”


“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”


“I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”


“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”


“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant


“People that pay for things never complain. It’s the guy you give something to that you can’t please.” – Will Rogers


“Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.” – Cynthia Nelms


“Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”


“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”


“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”


“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”


“That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.”


“Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.”


“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” – Billy Sunday


“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” – Sam Levenson


“There are only two things a child will share willingly—communicable diseases and his mother’s age.” – Benjamin Spock


“My family is temperamental, half temper half mental.”


“Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” – Will Rogers


“There are times here my greatest achievement is keeping my mouth shut.”


“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” – W. C. Fields


“Zombies eat brains, you are safe.” – John Stewart


“If you must make a noise, make it quietly.” – Oliver Hardy


“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member does or says.”


“It’s an easy tool this world- just pretend like you know everything.”


“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”


“I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts.”


“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” – W. C. Fields


“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.” – Anthony Anderson


“We are all born crazy. Some of us remain that way.” – Samuel Beckett


“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.”


“Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.”


“I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.”


“My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters… But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly “we need to talk”.


“My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.”


“I am not young enough to know everything.” – Oscar Wilde


“You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.”


“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.” – Albert Einstein


“I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”


“Are you always so stupid or is today a special ocassion?”


“In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep.” – Albert Einstein


“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.”


“Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.” – Murphy’s Laws


“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” – Murphy’s Laws


“Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.” – Robin Williams


“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams


“So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?”


“Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.”


“Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.” – Cal Thomas


“Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.” – Eugene Bertin


“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James


“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”


“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Winston Churchill


“Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.”


“Keep rolling your eyes, you might just find a brain back there.”


“When something goes wrong in your life, just yell ‘Plot Twist’ and move on.”


“My level of sarcasm has gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I am kidding anymore.”


“Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents as an example.”


“Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.”


“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”


“The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.” – Murphy’s Laws


“A half truth is a whole lie.” – Yiddish Proverb


“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”


“I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow.”


“I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.”


“I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”


“Life’s good, you should get one.”


“Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.”


“Well that escalated quickly – our family motto.”


“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld


“Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for.” – Jerry Seinfeld


“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne


“Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?”


“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that ‘Members not Present’ and ‘Subjects Discussed’ were one and the same.” – Robert Brault


“Please cancel my subscription to your resurrection.”


“They say each day is a gift! Well, I want to know where customer service is so I can return this one.”


“The informality of family life is a blessed condition that allows us all to become our best while looking our worst.” – Marge Kennedy


“The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.” – Jean Kerr


“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”


“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you’ll be going, you know, we’re alright. We are dang near royalty.” – Jeff Foxworthy


“A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.”


“If I had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”


“Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”


“He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.” – Victor Borge


“My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”


“One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand.” – Kurt Vonnegut


“It’s weird, marriage. It’s like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their ‘other half.” – Jess C. Scott


“A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?” – Cassandra Clare


“Whoever says nothing surprises them should try working at our office.”


“No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”


“I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”


“If you want to call a family meeting – turn off the WiFi and sit in the room where it is located.”


“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” – Erma Bombeck


“I’m sorry. I was listening until, out of nowhere, I became distracted by this loud, obnoxious noise that turned out to be your voice.”


“The day my mother told me zombies eat brains, I knew I was living with one.”


“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.” – Robert Brault


“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”


“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.” – Martin Mull


“Sorry for the mean, awful, and accurate things I said.”


“My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.”


“I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”


“I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he’s still making fun of me.”


“I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.”


“I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.”


“I like older men because they’ve gotten used to life’s disappointments. Which means they’re ready for me.”


“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”


“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”


“Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.”


“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”


“My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”


“Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”


“For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life’s list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.” – Jeff Foxworthy


“Smoking will kill you… Bacon will kill you… But, smoking bacon will cure it.”


“A straight face and a sincere-sounding “Huh?” have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.”


“I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So I bought her nothing.”


“My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.”


“I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”


“How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?”


“To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!”


“Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.”


“With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.”


“My job is secure. No one else wants it.”


“It was only when I bought a motorbike that I found out that adrenaline is brown.”


“A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.”


“If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it’s because I’ve already done it.”


“Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together so I’d have to see them every day.”


“Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers, and it’s their mum saying “I have a computer question.”


“What’s Blonde and dead in a closet? The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995.”


“When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.”


“Last night in my dream I was peeing in bed. Dreams do come true I realized in the morning.”


“I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.”


“I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.”


“My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.”


“My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that…”


“People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.”


“You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there’s no real difference between me and George Clooney.”


“Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.”

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